I wear glasses, I have for a long time, my mother blamed books, those infernal things about the size of a small handbag with lots of words in them – often – shockingly – without pictures. I had a thing about staring at these things for hours on end, sick I know.
My mother, faced with the problem of having a four eyed child set about organising at least designer frames, which at that stage in history were difficult to find for children, but she had internets and a will of iron, and of course a double metallic credit card.
I didn’t care too much for them, and I sulked, complained and generally did what children do until their parents are forced to compromise, she got both what she wanted and what I wanted. I preferred the thick rimmed black heavy look, studious I thought, that made her skin crawl, she went for the bejewelled Gucci. I never wore them unless it was with her, that was the eventual deal after I ‘accidentally broke’ four pairs.
Still, I was four eyes at school, it doesn’t matter about anything else, if you have a flaw kids exploit it, I didn’t care, my dad wore glasses, your argument is invalid. I liked having glasses, it was like a shield, its true that they make you less cool and I liked it, probably just a little more because it pissed my mum off than I’d admit to her.
I saw myself as ‘Geek cool’ as opposed to jnr slut which I thought all the popular girls were, and how they dressed in out of school time, and I pursued that – again causing my mum yuppie anguish. As I got older though my plans of being cool in my own way hit an impasse, I did a great job – overall – of not getting attention from not only the class cool girls but boys.
So when I was twelve I agreed, I’d get contacts, I have to say it worked quite well and got my mum off my case. That wasn’t the silver bullet I was looking for but I felt more confident that my specs were not frightening off boys.
So all that is for the sake of Google Glass - what the fuck were/are they thinking?
For most of my childhood and teens Google has been a giant, with so much cash and nothing to do with it, the tech giant has been pouring billions into cool but useless projects, for example Youtube – sure its awesome but money? I’d hate to see the returns on that. Maps? My favourite nav, but its free. Chrome – don’t use it. Gmail, yes thanks I love it, but its free.
The problem is Google is the dork, and they want to look like apple, but Apple has cool kids working for it, and they had a marketing Genius in Steve Jobs to run it, Google has, well dorks really, they often buy a new hot shot marketer or business manager to try and be more than the world’s search engine, they want to be more.
So iMac, iPod, iPad and iPhone later Google is crying itself to sleep at night after dressing up as Steve Jobs and standing in front of the mirror – just as I did to Britney as a child – but don’t tell anyone right? I’d hate the shit out of that one becoming public knowledge.
So Google gets into ‘me too’ products, an OS to drive phones – an iTunes store – play and so on, but they are unsatisfactory, what can they do to be an innovator like Apple?
At this point some dork decides to pipe up and say we need a mobile internet, a cool one like the displays on ‘minority report’ and “matrix’ that pop up in front of you like a hologram!
Genius everyone in the boardroom at the Googleplex shout!
But how, holograms are not that advanced yet!
How about glasses, you beam the internet onto them and so you can access it while you walk or drink soy late!
More geniuser! Lets pour fuck tons of money into it! Yay! And they do, and produce something that kind of works and is kind of small enough to wear.
Only it looks dorky and stupid, like bluetooth headgear only old men past their 60’s and programmers who never leave their mum’s basement think its rad.
Unfortunately glasses make you look dorky, and the latest iPhone is still a lot sexier – oh well, we only spent a jillion dollars on it, any more ideas from IT?
Google zimmer frame? Fuck yes, get over to R&D right now!