I’d become, if I don’t still, regard myself as a pariah, recently a friend suggested that it was great to be tiny girl and of course she is right, we get away with more, half the population look at us with want and the other with jealousy. As a child I was both embarrassed and prideful of it, in a quest way, I made the least of it I could while still presenting myself in a good way. also disliked company, I didn’t take well to my mother’s friends and family, my dad on the other hand was purposeful and that held more for me, a charm.
I did have friends, acquaintances and girls I admired, usually silently I was more interested in individual pursuits, science, discovery, learning and reading. I avoided sport because I found sports people boastful and crass. I did bitch about them, the bitchy girls too. I think I thought I was normal and they were freaks and the fact they didn’t use or care to use their minds shat me.
The things I loved the most were pony club and learning, I had a real thing for horses, they were such large powerful and majestic animals at once graceful but also dangerous and flighty.
Of course everything changed at puberty, I have always been something of a pragmatist and I decided what I thought I was lacking was companionship, most likely I needed a boyfriend. I had no idea how to talk to boys, until recently I thought they had no practical use other than making babies and I was too young to marry and breed.
My thoughts filled with boys and I went from disinterest to that girly thing of gushy fascination.
I think one of the most important things I have discovered and use or people is empathy, I think I often feel for others even though I might feel nothing for myself.
Unfortunately, this thing, that made me full of adrenaline and turned grey days joyous became more or less work, and not pleasant work. It became drudgery, disassociated to the things I’d so looked forward to. I came to loathe company, especially intimate company. Boys, men, these passed by booth in and out of work with barely anything from me, I was jaded, looking for something that was never there, and instant flame like I’d had in the past.
I found a new vigour in my first apartment, then buying my first apartment, then my third apartment. Asset acquisition and wealth drove me for quite some time, to watch money increase without me having to physically earn it was very satisfying, and in my homes I could indulge myself with expensive and eclectic fit outs, and I went through several phases there, until my last place I furnished for less the cost of my first real couch.
Then there was cars. My first car was a Mini Cooper S, instantly discovered I loved speed, I enrolled in advanced driving courses, went to track days and eventually bought myself some very expensive German hardware, I loved those cars, even washing them, there is something about running a microfiber cloth over the arse end of a Carrera that was almost as good as the sensation on braking later and later and then eventually just learning to power slide the thing. My ex made me sell the second one I bought because he was sensible. I have another Cooper S which has been thrashed to death and soon I’ll have to trade it in on something new.
None of this mattered when I became irrevocably depressed, it had always been there, the depression, I’d pushed it aside and thrown myself at other things. But eventually not cars, houses, men, money or anything could hold it back. I quit my job in late 2012, fully committed to quitting the industry, but I found that it was the last big Jenga piece that bought me down.
I became a recluse, I haunted my lovely beach apartment until me friends, as they have done in the past dragged me to the doctor. I event went to another escorting agency, went on a couple of meetings but nothing would do. A friend suggested I have a tree change and go live oh their farm, I visited and decided I would, I have been here ever since.
No the things that sustain me, that bring me joy are far more simple, I adopted a dog for a while, Gertie until old age took her, that was a wonderful experience though it broke my heart when she did die, when I got here she was in very bad shape, but I did give her six good months. I love to write, I think I’m quite good at several types of writing. I have discovered a love for photography, photos of nature mainly. I’ve established a new set of friends here, strange people, very unlike my home friends.
An old Italian couple who have almost adopted me, I do works for them, which sometimes I am paid in meals, cakes, or the odd $20-$50 dollars. I don’t keep their account very accurately I love them both, though Dario I could kill sometimes when he refuses to use proper measurements, he says I am very german, I say he is like an Italian car, constantly held together with wire and gum.
I have befriended a couple of artists, a Japanese couple – who are also artists, they are my closest friends and I spend a lot of time with them. I have a slave boy who is 18 years old and look at me with puppy eyes and will download anything I need. At work I am fast making a network of friends and followers, its been the last piece in the train wreck I had become to fall into place.
I am now as whole as I have been in years, as confident and as happy as I can remember. So this is what at the end of all of this that I have both gleaned and give back to people.
I think I have a way of putting things into perspective and thereby showing people that there is hope for ourselves, that even though they/you might see nothing but bleakness there are other things often more important we/you ignore. I would be surprised if many of you could top the utter shit storm my life has been, not to say that you have no struggled, I know many of you have long term issues that are not going anywhere. What I’d like to say is in the last conversation I had with my father, the person who I loved most in this lifetime he told me that I should always keep going, always strive, never let anything get in my way and if it did I was to deal with it. It’s a simple thing, but I always remember than when there is life there is hope. Life is about taking control of yourself, your mind and your path. I dislike the idea of settling for what we are dealt. I refuse to in fact. Don’t let things beat you, hit back.
You can be in the gutter or the stars and the only thing holding you back is you.