What a dramatic title Ms Scarlet! Heaven’s yes Miss Ranty! It is a topic all ladies find not that important but men do – and then claim they are not a tiny bit gay! Seeing as I have seen more Dick than anyone – with the exception of the amount of times our prime minister has pulled his, I thought I would do a small – meaning long (the female version) of a ‘know thine cocks’ (with apologies to our gay brethren who know possibly more about cocks seeing as they are both attached and connoisseur).
Cocks are lovely aren’t they? That is, when they are hard, when they are soft they are pitiful little creatures a lot like an elephant after 5 days on ecstasy they are not terribly adorable. Lets be honest, they feel better than they look. Which is why we close our eyes during sex boys! Aside from purely scientific and gossip evidence – yes we do talk about your penises – but not as much as you talk about our covered up parts, mostly you wouldn’t like what we say, we have a sense of humour about genitals, and we like to give things nick names, like you honey bunch!
For example -
Super cock - Men talk about their cock like Saddam Hussein’s weapons of mass destruction, they think that after they bang you that you will be lying there exhausted and panting, stupefied at their many arts. Lol, no really they think that! The truth is the opposite of course, The vagina is the most elastic thing in the universe, my bestie had a baby and hers was tiny – omg I almost died in horror/threw up at the birth and now her holly of holies is back to what it was, a little pink flower – how is this done? Evolution bitches! So you know how they say if you bang a lot that you get a big loose vagina? do your lips do that? No. So does your belly get fat and flabby from watching TV or tight and yummy from doing sit ups. Thank you Judge Judy and Jury I am glad I could provide some science for this case. Court dismissed!
Yes getting to the point now (giggle). I love cocks, even enough to put up with what they are attached to – here is a guide to the little guys that confuse men’s sense of spatial displacement (wink).
The following will be done in inches seeing as most of the education needs to be done in places that still use measurements developed by the Indus civilization, are you going to come to the future one day?
The Tardis - I have at least 8 inches and 8 inches of girth! But alas, as with all really cool Sci-Fi it was a sock not a cock, this penis is common, especially in pubs and online.
The un-inflatable toy – Hey that’s a good looking specimen – I bet its chunky when it gets hard – wait what! It only grew and inch! Yes this does happen, sometimes the little guy stops growing well before it should.
The surprise package! On the other hand you may be surprised – poor choice of words I know, the pants serpent appeared disappointing at first sight but now you are staring in the eye of Cockasaurus Rex! Squee! There is a Darwin!
Mr Average: 5.0-6.0 inches and lets be honest guys its closer to 5.5 than 6 right? When someone says they are Average it is sometimes true, but average is fine if the guy knows how to use it.
Bendy or Banana Dick: It’s surprising how many penis’ have a bend or kink in them, really, sometimes it’s slight sometimes it looks like its looking over its shoulder – repression or what? Who is it looking for? Why can’t it look me in the eye?
The Needle: Some dicks are thin and pointy, like a finger, I wish it was two, not three, that isn’t comfortable yet slow down!
The Cutie: A normal looking cock, what’s normal? That’s up to you, unless you’ve seen a lot of dick then you know, and you have my sympathy sister/brother.
The Mushroom: Is that real! Its really hard not to say something inappropriate when Mr Man pulls down his pants and something weird pops out that is true of the mushroom, which has a much bigger head than the shaft, not without its charms its handy and doing that yummy internal ’suction’ feeling. Otherwise its edible and will not cause you to die, unless its infected, and I’ve warned you many times about safety first!
Chode: The technical term for a short stubby cocklett, a chode is sometimes just a knob attached at the stem, just pretend its in is my advice, although its almost physically impossible to loose your V plates to this sort of thing – I suspect most misogynists are packing a chode – makes sense right? Angry at women, want to be seen as über macho?
Cock-a-saurus: At the big end of the scale, this will make you go – no way! And remember to offer sacrifice to whatever thing you believe in, even DNKY – true I’ve seen it! This kind of stunt cock is to be treated with an amount of care, it is 8+ inches and fairly chubby, ooo ladies and gentlemen there will be squealing tonight!
Cockzilla: Size does have an extreme end, once past 8 inches they can get painful, this trouser snake is actually a dragon, sometimes you have to admit defeat, it will feel more like surgery than heavenly.
The Goldilocks cock: Not to big not too small, not to think, not too thick its your perfect fit! Hopefully its comes with a decent attachment, which is where you’ll really be interested, but we won’t tell the boys that right?
One cock forged in Mordor to rule them all…
The glass slipper! He is the one Neo, you can stop searching and putting a toothbrush down your gob after meals! The perfect man, I’ve only known him for a night of dancing but so far he is Mr Wonderful/Prince charming/my soul mate and every other myth I was taught as a little girl! Gah my outfit turns to rags at midnight and my Porsche into a pumpkin, the class slipper is perfect, but this one has nothing to do with cocks, it more about the prince attached to it, who cares – as long as he hasn’t got a chode we are happy right?
Appendix – Caveats, caviar and cavaliers
The plucked turkey – Some people like a smoothie, I like at least a bit of hair, otherwise it feels kind of gross, like that Doctors and Nurses I never played with a cousin, thank you FSM for small mercies! I’ve been told that they are generally more edible sans fur, on the shaft sure, no one likes a hairy serpent, sack too, yes that least appealing thing in the cosmos is slightly less gross without fur – but on Mr man’s torso it’s nice to see he is over the age of consent right?
This one smells of fish – Alert! VD! Run my good cock connoisseur! Guy, get yourself to the clinic, and let this be a lesson to you, use condoms, examine anything you are about to straddle or lollypop.
The walking cock – You know, if you stopped calling gay people names and pretending to be so macho you would realise that all those posters on your wall, all of your muscle rippled heroes – the fact that the 300 is your favourite film – yes that’s right, you like dudes dude, as much as dudettes like dudes and really, the reason you are so angry is you need a bit ‘o cock. The fact that both your identities are the same – trust me you’ll feel netter after some cock.
Dicks come in two types of attire, nude or with a hoodie, most of the world has given up the practice of circumcising because lets face it, if the man in the sky you talk about is so perfect why would he wrap your little fireman in a coat that needs to be chopped off and sucked by a rabbi – wait – what? True story if you are a true believer your first sexual experience is with a man – explain that one to me holly rollers? Back to the story Ms Scarlet! Right! So here is the difference, Mr Hoodie is generally more sensitive, Mr nude needs less cleaning: smegma – look that up and try to feel sexy!
Strap ons – not terribly satisfying but they are attached to something intelligent, and boobs, boobs always win right?
By far the most common dick is the internet dick, who just isn’t satisfying at all.
I do apologise for not providing pics for this, but can you imagine how outraged the pensioners for cleaner blogging would be! Imagine, pictures of things half the population have and 80% of the population have enjoyed – oh yes, those figures are accurate – mostly. I hope you enjoyed this little trip through the cock garden!